An Open Letter

Dear Weather God,

We couldn’t help but notice that you’ve spent the better part of the last six months raining on us, and hurling lightning at our neighborhoods, and producing great peals of thunder to frighten our children and upset our dogs. That you have blackened the sky with clouds more often than you haven’t, and hidden the sun from world, and the world from the sun. That you have toppled trees, flooded roads, and cut our power. That you have made our air heavy and thick with moisture, suffusing the few bright days you’ve granted us with humidity and unpleasantness.

This note is just to let you know that we are not impressed. Sure, all of this persistent, sodden gloom is kind of a downer, and we’d certainly prefer a summer that included some small modicum of actual sun; sure, we’d like to be able to walk our dogs without having to worry about being spun away to Oz in a freak tornado; sure, we’d like to think of our golf clubs as something more than portable lightning rods. But we can live with all of that. And should you decide to bury us under thick layers of snow again this winter, that’s fine too. Bring it on. We’ve endured worse. Remember the dust bowl? Noah’s flood? The ice age? We do. We survived it all, and we’ll survive whatever else you decide to hurl our way.

But … we’re not unreasonable people. We understand that, as a god, you have needs, and that perhaps we have been somewhat lax in satisfying those needs of late. So we’re prepared to make you an offer. In exchange for a normal autumn and a moderate, or even pleasant, winter, we have decided to give you permission to claim large segments of our society as human sacrifices. Your initial allocation will include:

1. All right wing talk show hosts, without exception. In fact, we’ll be happy to rustle up Bill O’Reilly for you, and drop him into the bottomless pit of your choice.
2. The RIAA.
3. Every member of every boy band that ever existed, including, but not limited to, N-Sync, the Backstreet Boys, Take That, and New Kids on the Block (if you can find them; we’re not sure where they went).
4. All CEOs everywhere.
5. Ann Coulter. We realize she’s just one person, but please take her away. Please.
6. All religious fundamentalist zealots. We understand that you may anger the gods that these nuts worship by taking them as sacrifices, but really, you’ll probably be doing them a favor. I mean, do you think that the Christian god really wants Jerry Falwell as a spokesman? No, we don’t think so either.

If there are other elements of the populace that you would like to sample, please let us know, we’ll happily take your request into consideration.

Thank you, and have a nice day. And give us one while you’re at it.

Sincerely, The Eastern Seaboard