Apples

I hate apples. I hate the way they sound when you crunch into them, I hate their loathsome bittersour taste, I hate the way the skin gets wedged in your teeth and you can’t get it out without floss or major surgery. I hate the way their vile, acidic juices eat away at the lining of your digestive tract until you’re doubled over with cramps, cursing life and unleashing uncontrollable applefarts. I hate their nefarious role in the advent of original sin and Snow White’s coma.

In other news: I like pears. Pears are yummy.