Bio

I spent a ridiculous portion of last week trying to write a capsule bio of myself, for a story that’s going to be coming out next year. I say ridiculous because it really shouldn’t take very long to write a hundred words about yourself, should it? And yet I labored over this thing for five days and five nights, and at the end of that tortured process, all I had was this:

Lapsed Cannibal is a computer programmer by day and an aspiring writer by night. He owns a beagle. Under various pseudonyms, he has produced such enduring classics as “Oliver Twist”, “Gone With the Wind”, and “The Bible.” He grew up in the 80’s, though advancing age and nostalgia have recently begun to soften and in some cases eradicate his contempt for that empty, misbegotten era in our cultural history. He subsists entirely on absinthe and the blood of his enemies. For complicated personal reasons that he does not wish to discuss, it is his dream to one day harness the power of bananas to solve Pi. He is 25 years old — or was, at some point, he thinks. Or maybe not. Really, it’s all a blur.

I think this is why I tend naturally to writing fiction. I’ve generally got nothing factual to say.

Sigh.