Bolton at the UN
Transcript of recent UN Security Council meeting, the first attended by the new UN Ambassador from the United States, John Bolton.
Kofi Annan: Our purpose here today is to discuss the plight of third-world countries who continue to struggle under the twin burdens of poverty and famine. As you know, we …
John Bolton: SHUT UP! WHO CARES?
Kofi Annan: [pause] The American ambassador wishes to to speak, I believe.
John Bolton: BE QUIET! I’M TALKING! I AM THE AMBASSADOR OF THE UNITED STATES! THE MOST POWERFUL COUNTRY IN THE WORLD! WHEN I SPEAK THE WHOLE WORLD FALLS SILENT! AND TREMBLES!
French Ambassador: [whispering] Mon dieu. Quel idiot.
John Bolton: WHO SAID THAT? [looking around the room] IT SOUNDED LIKE A FROG! DID A FROG JUST INSULT THE DIGNITY OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA?
Kofi Annan: Mr Bolton. If we could just focus on the task at hand.
John Bolton: [picks up a stapler and hurls it at the French delegation] UNGRATEFUL CHEESE-EATING RUNNING-AWAY REEKING MAGINOT LINE BASTARDS! [turns to Kofi Annan] WHAT TASK AT HAND?
Kofi Annan: We were discussing the plight of the third-world.
John Bolton: WHAT ABOUT IT?
Kofi Annan: As you are perhaps aware, Prime Minister Blair has suggested a comprehensive package of aid and debt relief for …
John Bolton: WHAT DOES THIS HAVE TO DO WITH THE SAFETY AND SECURITY OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA?
French Ambassador: [still whispering] … avec une tete comme un grande morceau de fromage …
John Bolton: [spinning around] I HEARD THAT! I DIDN’T UNDERSTAND IT BECAUSE I DON’T SPEAK FROG! BUT I HEARD IT! [picks up a stapler and hurls it at the French ambassador] WE COULD NUKE YOUR COUNTRY INTO A BIG CRATER! ALL I HAVE TO DO IS PICK UP THE PHONE AND ALL YOUR LITTLE FROG BABIES GO RADIOACTIVE! AM I MAKING MYSELF CLEAR, PIERRE?
Kofi Annan: [clearing throat] Mr Bolton. In this era of globalization, the well-being of the third world has a direct impact on the security of even the strongest nations.
John Bolton: [reaching into a bag, pulling out a handful of staplers] ARE YOU THREATENING ME?
Kofi Annan: No, of course not.
John Bolton: BECAUSE IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU’RE GETTING READY TO UNLEASH A HOARDE OF POOR ILLITERATE HUNGRY PEOPLE ON THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.
Kofi Annan: I was merely saying …
John Bolton: WELL THAT’LL NEVER HAPPEN! BECAUSE THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA …
French Ambassador: [whispering] … moustache est tres amusante …
John Bolton: SHUT UP! [loads four staplers into a small cannon and fires them at the Canadian delegation]
Canadian Ambassador: We didn’t say anything!
John Bolton: I KNOW THAT! BUT YOU DIDN’T SAY IT IN THE SAME LANGUAGE AS THE FROG WHO DID SAY IT SAID IT! SOCIALIST BASTARD! WHERE’D YOU PARK YOUR MOOSE? HA HA! HA HA HA!
Kofi Annan: Mr Bolton.
John Bolton: SHUT UP! I’M SAVORING MY WIT! HA! HA HA!
Kofi Annan: Mr Bolton. Please.
John Bolton: AS I WAS SAYING! BECAUSE THESE SO CALLED “THIRD-WORLD” COUNTRIES ARE BREEDING GROUNDS FOR TERRORIST SCUM, THE UNITED STATES HAS DECIDED TO TAKE THE WAR TO THEM! WE WILL IMMEDIATELY NUKE ANY COUNTRIES THAT CONTAIN HUNGRY PEOPLE!
Kofi Annan: [pauses] You’re joking.
John Bolton: BEFORE THEY TURN INTO TERRORISTS!
French Ambassador: [whispering] … il est comme une gros pile de merde …
John Bolton: SHUT UP! THAT’S IT! I’M DOING IT! [picks up the red white and blue phone on the desk in front of him] HELLO! MR PRESIDENT! LAUNCH OPERATION IRRADIATE PIERRE! ON MY MARK!
Canadian Ambassador: Your phone’s not even plugged in.
John Bolton: SHUT UP! IT USES SUPER-SECRET TELEPHONE TECHNOLOGY THAT YOUR TINY LITTLE CANUCK BRAIN COULDN’T EVEN BEGIN TO COMPREHEND! MR PRESIDENT! LAUNCH OPERATION SPLATTER CANUCK!
Kofi Annan: Really, Mr Bolton. This sort of behavior …
John Bolton: [throws phone at Kofi Annan] SHUT UP! GOD BLESS AMERICA! [holds thumb to ear, speaks into pinky finger] MR PRESIDENT! LAUNCH OPERATION REMOVE EXTRANEOUS PORTIONS OF UN BUILDING!
Kofi Annan: Perhaps we should adjourn until the Ambassador from the United States regains his sanity.
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