My work computer decided to freeze up and eat itself last night, and this morning it wouldn’t boot. I pawed ineffectually at it for a while, then broke down and called IT. I haven’t had to do that in a while, so it took me some time to track down their contact info. It turned out to be an 800 number. This was immediately troubling, but I dialed anyway, and sure enough … it was a call center.
We’d outsourced our own tech support.
I sighed, and resigned myself to the inevitable. Five hours and two calls later, my computer still isn’t working. But at least my ticket has moved down the chain to someone I actually share a goddam building with.
I was bitching about this to my brother, who wondered when corporations would start outsourcing their bathrooms facilities. It really isn’t all that far-fetched.
| Call Center: | Hello, thank you calling bowel support. How may I help you today? |
| Me: | Yeah. I need to take a dump. |
| Call Center: | I’ll be very happy to help you with that sir. What is your first name? |
| Me: | What? |
| Call Center: | Your first name? |
| Me: | Why do you need my first name? |
| Call Center: | In order to better serve you, sir. |
| Me: | [sighing] Ok, fine. My name is A. |
| Call Center: | Can you spell that please? |
| Me: | Sure. A. |
| Call Center: | Thank you. And your last name? |
| Me: | B. |
| Call Center: | Can you spell that please? |
| Me: | B. |
| Call Center: | Thank you Mr. B. May I call you A? |
| Me: | Look, I’m about to crap my pants here. |
| Call Center: | I will be more than happy to assist you with that, A. Can you tell me the nature of the bowel movement? |
| Me: | [pause] I don’t think so. |
| Call Center: | On a scale of 1 to 10, can you rate the urgency of your fecal event? |
| Me: | Ten. No, wait. What’s one? |
| Call Center: | One is distant intimations of a possible bowel movement, with accompanying though distant suggestions of impending micturition. Ten is an imminent and seismic defecatory event. |
| Me: | Yeah, ten. Actually, make it eleven. |
| Call Center: | There is no eleven. |
| Me: | Well, I’m just saying, I really have to … |
| Call Center: | There is no eleven. |
| Me: | Ok, fine … |
| Call Center: | Can I put you on hold, sir? |
| Me: | What? No! Why! |
| Call Center: | I need to research your eleven event. |
| Me: | No, it’s ten! Ten! |
| Call Center: | Thank you for your patience. |
| Me: | Dude! Please! |
| Call Center: | [muzak] In the naaaame of love … one man in the name of love … |
| Me: | God damn it. |
| Call Center: | The hills are alive … with the sound of muuuusic … with songs they have sung … for a thousand yeeeears! |
| Me: | Oh please. Please. Please please please please … |
| Call Center: | Hello sir. Thank you for your patience. |
| Me: | Oh thank god. |
| Call Center: | I have researched your situation and determined that you are experiencing an urge to defecate. |
| Me: | Yeah, no shit. |
| Call Center: | [pause] You do not need to defecate? |
| Me: | No! It’s just an expression! |
| Call Center: | Can I place you on hold sir? |
| Me: | Dude! I’m begging you! |
| Call Center: | Like a virgin … touched for the very first time … like vir-ir-ir-ir-gin … with your heartbeat next to mine … |
| Me: | [sobs] |
| Call Center: | Thank you for your patience, Mr B. |
| Me: | God damn it! |
| Call Center: | I have opened a low-priority ticket. Someone will contact you as soon as possible to assist you with your issue. |
| Me: | I! Need! To! Crap! Now! |
| Call Center: | Can I assist you with anything else today? |
| Me: | [sighing] Go to hell. |
| Call Center: | Thank you for calling bowel support. Have a nice day. |
2 comments ↓
You should keep a log of how long you are unable to do your job. Then once the issue has been resolved, have management explain to you how the delay in being able to solve your issue by having IT off shore saved them money.
Yeah. Good idea. 24 hours and counting. Grr.
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