Bowel Support
My work computer decided to freeze up and eat itself last night, and this morning it wouldn’t boot. I pawed ineffectually at it for a while, then broke down and called IT. I haven’t had to do that in a while, so it took me some time to track down their contact info. It turned out to be an 800 number. This was immediately troubling, but I dialed anyway, and sure enough … it was a call center.
We’d outsourced our own tech support.
I sighed, and resigned myself to the inevitable. Five hours and two calls later, my computer still isn’t working. But at least my ticket has moved down the chain to someone I actually share a goddam building with.
I was bitching about this to my brother, who wondered when corporations would start outsourcing their bathrooms facilities. It really isn’t all that far-fetched.
| Call Center: | Hello, thank you calling bowel support. How may I help you today? |
| Me: | Yeah. I need to take a dump. |
| Call Center: | I’ll be very happy to help you with that sir. What is your first name? |
| Me: | What? |
| Call Center: | Your first name? |
| Me: | Why do you need my first name? |
| Call Center: | In order to better serve you, sir. |
| Me: | [sighing] Ok, fine. My name is A. |
| Call Center: | Can you spell that please? |
| Me: | Sure. A. |
| Call Center: | Thank you. And your last name? |
| Me: | B. |
| Call Center: | Can you spell that please? |
| Me: | B. |
| Call Center: | Thank you Mr. B. May I call you A? |
| Me: | Look, I’m about to crap my pants here. |
| Call Center: | I will be more than happy to assist you with that, A. Can you tell me the nature of the bowel movement? |
| Me: | [pause] I don’t think so. |
| Call Center: | On a scale of 1 to 10, can you rate the urgency of your fecal event? |
| Me: | Ten. No, wait. What’s one? |
| Call Center: | One is distant intimations of a possible bowel movement, with accompanying though distant suggestions of impending micturition. Ten is an imminent and seismic defecatory event. |
| Me: | Yeah, ten. Actually, make it eleven. |
| Call Center: | There is no eleven. |
| Me: | Well, I’m just saying, I really have to … |
| Call Center: | There is no eleven. |
| Me: | Ok, fine … |
| Call Center: | Can I put you on hold, sir? |
| Me: | What? No! Why! |
| Call Center: | I need to research your eleven event. |
| Me: | No, it’s ten! Ten! |
| Call Center: | Thank you for your patience. |
| Me: | Dude! Please! |
| Call Center: | [muzak] In the naaaame of love … one man in the name of love … |
| Me: | God damn it. |
| Call Center: | The hills are alive … with the sound of muuuusic … with songs they have sung … for a thousand yeeeears! |
| Me: | Oh please. Please. Please please please please … |
| Call Center: | Hello sir. Thank you for your patience. |
| Me: | Oh thank god. |
| Call Center: | I have researched your situation and determined that you are experiencing an urge to defecate. |
| Me: | Yeah, no shit. |
| Call Center: | [pause] You do not need to defecate? |
| Me: | No! It’s just an expression! |
| Call Center: | Can I place you on hold sir? |
| Me: | Dude! I’m begging you! |
| Call Center: | Like a virgin … touched for the very first time … like vir-ir-ir-ir-gin … with your heartbeat next to mine … |
| Me: | [sobs] |
| Call Center: | Thank you for your patience, Mr B. |
| Me: | God damn it! |
| Call Center: | I have opened a low-priority ticket. Someone will contact you as soon as possible to assist you with your issue. |
| Me: | I! Need! To! Crap! Now! |
| Call Center: | Can I assist you with anything else today? |
| Me: | [sighing] Go to hell. |
| Call Center: | Thank you for calling bowel support. Have a nice day. |
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