Crisis

In the Whitehouse Situation Room …

Karl Rove: [Rushing breathlessly into room] Sir. We have a problem.

George Bush: [Playing with an ancient Speak & Spell] N - U - C - L - E - A - R. Nucular.

Rove: Sir!

Bush: [Looks up, impatiently] Damn it Karl, Can’t you see I’m bettering myself?

Rove: Sir, we’ve just had a very disturbing report. It demands your immediate attention.

Bush: [Yawns] Let me guess. More dead people in Iraq?

Rove: No sir, it’s …

Bush: [Studies fingernails] A bunch of poor folk lost their jobs.

Rove: No, I’m afraid …

Bush: [Flicks cheetos off lapel] Another hole in the ozone layer?

Rove: No.

Bush: We need four gajillion more dollars for the Medicare bill?

Rove: No.

Bush: [Stretches, closes eyes, lies back on couch] Deficit bigger than we thought?

Rove: No sir. Well, yes. But that’s not it.

Bush: Ok. I give up.

Rove: Two men just got married.

Bush: [Sits bolt upright, gaping] What?

Rove: I’m afraid so sir.

Bush: To each other?

Rove: Yes sir.

Bush: Are you sure they’re men?

Rove: Yes sir. We had our agents check for penises when we picked them up.

Bush: And?

Rove: They have them, sir.

Bush: Damn! [Stands up, paces.] What’s happening to this country, Karl?

Rove: It’s going to hell sir. Thank God we’re here to stop it

Bush: Praise the lord. Let’s get to it then. [Makes for the door. Pauses] What are we going to get to?

Rove: Well sir, you’ve given this a lot of thought.

Bush: You’re darn tootin’.

Rove: And you’ve consulted all the relevant experts on the subject, and spent hours talking to your advisors about the pros and cons of the various alternatives.

Bush: Right. Alternatives. Experts.

Rove: And you’ve decided that there’s only one possible course of action.

Bush: I like it when there’s only one.

Rove: You’re going to have to cut taxes.

Bush: Alright! Woohoo!

Rove: It’s either that or invade Syria, sir, and we’ve got to finish up with Iraq first.

Bush: That makes sense. That makes sense. [Nods vigorously. Makes for door. Pauses.] Does that make sense?

Rove: Yes sir, it does. The only way to prevent men from marrying other men is to make sure that normal people get to keep more of their own money.

Bush: Yeah. Yeah. [Nods] But won’t the fags get the tax break too?

Rove: There you go again, sir. Always thinking.

Bush: Yeah. [Smiles. Frowns.] Won’t they?

Rove: Of course. That’s why we need the constitutional amendment.

Bush: Amendment?

Rove: Banning gay marriage.

Bush: Yeah. Good. Can we call it the “No Adam and Steve” amendment?

Rove: We’ll consider it sir. But it’ll probably just end up being the 28th.

Bush: Ok. [Makes for the door. Pauses.] But if we have the amendment, why do we need the tax …

Rove: Sir.

Bush: Yeah?

Rove: That’s enough thinking for one day, don’t you think?

Bush: [Visibly relieved] Yeah. Ok. Let’s go save the country, Karl.

Rove: Yes sir.