Cthulhu Fortune Cookies
I used to eat at the Cthulhu takeout joint down the street. The food was ok, but, honestly, I found the messages in their fortune cookies a little offputting. Some examples:
A secret admirer will soon send you a sign of affection, in the seething form of the worm god Rlim Shaikorth, who will eat your soul.
Love conquers all — if by “love” you mean Othuyeg, the Doom-Walker, whose great tentacled eye will carve a bloody path through the ranks of the weak and leave in its wake the mangled remains of the damned.
The voices you hear in your head are real. Their owners will soon be coming for you.
In the end there are four things that last: faith, hope love, and the Dark Silent One Zushakon, who will eviscerate the first three things and consign their steaming viscera to the infinite void.
The one you love is closer than you think. You have just eaten him.
When I complained, the owner suggested I try adding in bed to the end of them. That didn’t help at all. I finally stopped going when the eyeballs in the hot and sour eyeball soup started looking at me.
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