My mom was (gently) admonishing me the other day for all the filthy language I use on this blog. I am, needless to say, mortified. I had no idea she was even reading this thing. So I will definitely be treading more carefully from now on.
However — it’ll be difficult to ditch the epithets entirely, given all of the impotent bitching and excoriating that needs to be happen here. So I’ve decided to go with a simple substitution scheme instead. Here are some early candidates:
| Shit: | Stool Poopy |
| Hell: | Naughtytown |
| God: | Jehovah |
| Damn: | Darn |
| Fuck: | When a man and a woman love each other very much |
I think these alternatives strike just the right balance between stridency and prurience. As a test run, I’ve run them through a typical 50s-era sitcom plot — a hapless father trying to put together his son’s new bicycle on Christmas Eve:
| Ward: | Jehovah darn it! What the naughtytown is wrong with this piece of stool poopy? |
| June: | Whatever is the matter, Ward? |
| Ward: | I have no idea how to put this when a man and a woman love each other very muching thing together. |
| June: | Did you read the instructions? |
| Ward: | Yes I read the when a man and a woman love each other very muching instructions. They’re when a man a woman love each other very muching worthless. |
| June: | Ward, dear. There’s no need to yell. |
| Ward: | I feel like a jehovah darn stoolpoopyhead here. What’s the kid going to think when I give him this thing tomorrow? |
| June: | He’s going to very grateful. |
| Ward: | Bullstoolpoopy. He’s going to think his old man’s a when a man and a woman love each other very muching loser. I need a drink. |
I don’t know. Maybe it’s just me, but I think this is awesome. It’s going to usher in a whole new era of swearing. And I will be its king. Bow down before me, potty-mouthes!
2 comments ↓
Has your Mom seen your Weird Tales story? It’s out in the most recent issue, but I haven’t see it either. I couldn’t find a copy in any stool-poopy book shop around here. The thing is hopefully winging its way.
Oh, and I’d suggest a modification to your scheme: when two adults love each other very much….
I am so excited for Hillary to get elected for cashier to Trader Joes soon. and McCain well he going to sing with Clay Akcin
Oh the laugage the thing were suppose to be blogging about well, my thought well you could say frig insteak of fugde try spell check from the latin dictory it may help umm oops I forgot may work but true be know Ramsleeseesee its a Lebonon thing we can help it yeah no.
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