Glass Maze’s 2007 Predictions
The following predictions have a guaranteed accuracy rating of 92.5%, on the Revelations/Nostradamus scale. Any deviation from actual events is not the responsibility of this blog.
Professional doomsayers finally become discouraged with the world’s steadfast refusal to end, and switch to a new Tivo-inspired slogan: “The Pause of the World is Nigh!” According to these Pausechatologists, The Pressing of the Cosmic Pause Button will usher in a billion billion years of Not Much Happening, after which everything will pick up and Proceed Pretty Much as It Normally Would Have.
Inspired by the merger-happy world of big business, the less-successful sports decide to merge, producing:
- Ice Polo: This mixture of polo and hockey puts the horses on skates and replaces those polo mallets with giant hockey sticks, de-pansifying the sport of Polo even as it pseudo-gentrifies hockey. Goalies sit astride giant twitchy buffalo, and fights are allowed, but only after mid-game afternoon tea.
- Soccer Bowling: Just like bowling, except the bowler (wearing giant lead shoes) kicks the ball down the lane, and the players on the other team stand in as bowling pins. The player-pins are not allowed to move, or duck, or do anything other than attempt to survive the bowling ball hurtling toward them. This will replace football as the most dangerous sport in America, though not as the most silly.
- Big Bass Badminton: Badminton players turn their skills to the gentle sport of fishing, by luring fish to the surface with shuttlecocks and attempting to batter them to death with their little rackets. They repeatedly fail to do so. Marine biologists, using sensitive underwater listening equipment, record the first-ever instance of a bass laughing derisively.
The Zune, Microsoft’s answer to Apple’s iPod, continues to suck so much that each individual Zune’s giant freight of awfulness creates a gravity well of pure suckitude that consumes all iPods in the immediate vicinity and draws them into Microsoft Hades (otherwise known as Windows ME). This is according to plan.
Ford releases their successor to the Expedition, the Ford Leviathan, affectionately known as “Baby Elephant”. It has 45 cup-holders, each of them large enough to hold a two-gallon jug of milk, and gets -5 miles to the gallon, mostly due to the jet engines that are necessary to get it moving at highway speeds. It is large enough to generate its own gravity, much to the chagrin of drivers of smaller cars. You will often see a Leviathan lumbering down the highway with a couple of Mini-Coopers caught in its orbit, spinning helplessly around it.
The United States establishes the country of Punchingbagistan on a couple of small islands in the Pacific, then promptly accuses it of having weapons of mass destruction and invades. Victory is swift. The President’s ratings rise fifty points overnight, setting up a Republican victory in the presidential elections of 2008.
Under pressure from various arbiters of American moral purity, Las Vegas amends its slogan from “What Happens in Las Vegas, Stays in Las Vegas” to “What Happens in Las Vegas, Stays in Las Vegas, Unless It’s Naughty, In Which Case It Will Follow You Home and Dog Your Conscience Until You Break Down and Confess Your Sins to the Nearest Moral Authority”. In a related development, Las Vegas orders two million hectares of neon to redo all of its signs.
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