God: CHARLES DARWIN. BEHOLD YOUR LORD.
Darwin: [looking up from his work; crying out; falling to his knees]: Lord!
God: YOU’VE BEEN A VERY NAUGHTY SCIENTIST, CHARLES DARWIN.
Darwin: Lord?
God: DON’T “LORD” ME. YOU KNOW WHY I’M HERE.
Darwin: [straightening; fiddling with his glasses] Is it my time, Lord?
God: QUITE POSSIBLY. TELL ME ABOUT THIS “NATURAL SELECTION” BUSINESS.
Darwin: [smiling meekly] Oh … it’s just … nothing … really. Just a little idea I’m playing around with.
God: YES?
Darwin: Well, I was just thinking that … given all the fossil evidence … and the similarities between certain species … and various other factors …
God: YES?
Darwin: … that it might be possible that all species are … somewhat …
God: GO ON.
Darwin: … related. Descended from one another.
God:
Darwin: Just a thought, really.
God: [holding up The Origin of Species] A PUBLISHED THOUGHT.
Darwin: Ah. [blanching] You knew about that, then.
God: I KNOW ABOUT EVERYTHING. I HAVE A BOOK OF MY OWN, YOU KNOW. DEALS WITH THE SAME THEMES. PERHAPS YOU’VE READ IT.
Darwin: Of course, Lord.
God: REALLY? BECAUSE THE FIRST CHAPTER — THE VERY FIRST CHAPTER — LAYS IT ALL OUT IN FAIRLY EXACTING DETAIL. ADAM. EVE. RIBS. BEASTS. ALL THERE FROM THE BEGINNING. CREATED BY ME. ANY OF THIS RINGING A BELL?
Darwin; Yes, Lord. I …
God: BECAUSE I’VE READ YOUR BOOK VERY CAREFULLY, AND IT SEEMS TO TAKE A VERY DIFFERENT VIEW OF THINGS.
Darwin: Well …
God: A CONTRADICTORY VIEW OF THINGS, YOU COULD SAY. IF YOU WERE FEELING UP TO IT, YOU MIGHT EVEN SAY A HERETICAL VIEW OF THINGS.
Darwin: But …
God: AND, IF YOU WERE PARTICULARLY WROTH, YOU MIGHT MENTION SOMETHING ABOUT SMITING, AND ETERNAL DAMNATION.
Darwin: [groveling] Forgive me, Lord. I just assumed that the Garden of Eden was … er … metaphorical.
God: I DON’T LIKE METAPHORS, DARWIN. THEY MUDDY THE WATER.
Darwin: That was a sort of metaphor right there, Lord.
God: SILENCE!
Darwin: [cowering] Yes Lord.
God: [holding up the book] NOW WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT THIS?
Darwin: Do, Lord?
God: IDEAS ARE LIKE DISEASES, DARWIN. VIRULENT. HARD TO CONTAIN. I’D ORDER YOU TO UNSAY THESE THINGS IF I THOUGH IT WOULD DO ANY GOOD.
Darwin: Perhaps I’ll be dismissed as a crackpot, Lord. Perhaps no one will listen.
God: THEY’LL LISTEN. ALL THIS ENLIGHTENMENT NONSENSE. THEY ALMOST HAVE TO LISTEN, DON’T THEY?
Darwin: I suppose so, Lord.
God: NO. I’LL HAVE TO WAIT, BIDE MY TIME. IT’LL TAKE A VERY HEAVY DOSE OF IGNORANCE TO KILL THIS ONE, I’M AFRAID.
Darwin: Yes Lord. Although the trend does seem to be moving away from ignorance, lately.
God: IT’LL MAKE A TRIUMPHANT RETURN, DARWIN. IT ALWAYS DOES.
Darwin: Yes Lord.
God: [gazing into the future] YES, I SEE IT NOW. MANY YEARS AWAY, BUT I SEE IT. [turns to Darwin] YOU’RE A VERY LUCKY MAN.
Darwin: Yes Lord.
God: BE SURE TO THANK KANSAS IN YOUR PRAYERS TONIGHT.
Darwin: Kansas, Lord? Who is …
God: JUST THANK IT.
Darwin: Yes Lord.
God: ANYTHING ELSE I SHOULD KNOW ABOUT, DARWIN? ANY PLANS TO THEORIZE ME OUT OF EXISTENCE?
Darwin: Of course not, Lord.
God: GOOD. NOW DROP AND GIVE ME TWENTY GROVELS.
Darwin: [groveling] Yes Lord.
3 comments ↓
Hilarious! Good old Kansas. There’s article about time-travelling conference coming up at MIT. Looks like the Kansas Board of Education is about to do some time travelling of their own…
i don’t know what to think about this. it’s kind of like a circus performance, isn’t it?
irflol
Any coincidence in the fact that the Lord writes in a very similar style as “Death” from the Terry Pratchett novels? Are you trying to imply something about God? (Or, perhaps, Death?)
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