Letter from the Coercer General to President-For-Life George W. Bush

Dear Mr President:

Merry Christmas, sir! It’s been quite a year here at the Department of Coercion. As you know, we’ve successfully coerced 4000 enemy combatants since January 1, which averages out to 10 successful coercions a day. A record!

Even better, we’ve been able to extract an average of 3 confessions from each coercee. Some of our more terrorist-loving liberal activist judges have called the validity of some of these confessions into question, but our tireless Minister of Facts was nevertheless able to give them the platform they deserved.

For example: the confession that led to the successful arrest of the Thirty Dirty Democrats (and what a triumph that was!) came from a terrorist who had no tongue — at least, he had no tongue by the time he confessed. He had no working fingers, either, so he had to moan his confession into a tape recorder. But our crack team of moan-interpreters had a transcript of his revelations ready in no time, and the Minister of Facts disseminated it to all of our Fact Outlets within the hour! What a glorious day that was! If you’ll remember, that confession helped us reduce the number of friends-of-Osama in the Congress down to two, both of whom retired in disgrace soon afterwards, when the Ministry of Facts discovered some facts about them.

But I write you today with sobering news. I’m sorry to report that the enemy combatants have somehow manged to penetrate deeper into our society since you signed the I Love America Enemy Combatant Vanquishment Act of 2014. I don’t know how this has happened: you valiantly reclassified college professors, liberal bloggers, sodomites, atheists and the city of Hollywood as enemy combatants, and dealt with them appropriately; and yet their kind have still managed to infiltrate our tolerant and peace-loving society.

It is time for another recalibration. I am not suggesting that we coerce American citizens, of course. We are a free country, and our people have rights. But I do believe that the definition of enemy combatants must be expanded, and made more flexible. The terrorists know how to worm their way around simple, static labels. We must be able to think on our feet.

I have therefore enclosed a bill that my colleagues and I drafted, called the America The Land of the Free Terrorist Obliteration Act of 2017. In it, we propose that the term “enemy combatants” be redefined as “those people who the president defines as enemy combatants”. This is a simple concept that all of the good people of America can understand, and get behind. It will also make capturing these evil men much easier. If you see a terrorist posing as a schoolteacher, for example, or a crossing guard, or a little girl, or a protester at one of your People Rallies, then you can arrest him immediately, and have him coerced within 24 hours.

I urge you to put this bill into the hands of one of your congressmen as soon as possible. We cannot let this threat languish. The terrorists will never rest in their efforts to rob us of our freedoms.

Also, we’re running out of people to coerce.

Sincerely,

The Coercer General