President: The Text Adventure

I have just recently discovered that George W. Bush, in preparing to step into his new role as President of the United States, played a “training” text adventure game called PRESIDENT. It was commissioned and designed by his staff, in the hopes that it would help him to understand the unique challenges he would soon face as Commander in Chief.

We have obtained a transcript of his first session with that game:

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You have just been elected President of the United States. You are sitting at your desk in the oval office. You are the leader of the free world.

You see: (1) A treaty to reduce the spread of greenhouse gasses; (2) a comprehensive report on the likelihood of terrorist attacks in this country; (3) a rubber ball.

What do you do?

LOOK AT TREATY

The treaty is called “The Kyoto Protocol to the United Nations Framework Convention on Climate Change.” It appears to be foreign.

READ TREATY

You read the first page. It’s going on and on about the environment. It’s boring.

STOP READING TREATY

Way ahead of you.

WITHDRAW FROM TREATY

You withdraw from the treaty. Several environmental groups begin to howl in protest, as do some foreigners. The treaty collapses.

You have earned 100 points.

EXAMINE TERRORIST REPORT

It appears to be a report, prepared by a man named RICHARD CLARKE, about a little Arab who thinks he can hurt the United States of America. It is very long and detailed, and points to a large body of evidence that seems to indicate that a terrorist attack is imminent.

IGNORE REPORT

You throw the report in the trash can.

You have earned 300 points.

EXAMINE BALL.

It’s a little red rubber ball.

PLAY WITH BALL

You play with the ball. It bounces all over the place, like some sort of crazy Mexican jumping bean. It’s a lot of fun.

PLAY WITH BALL

You continue to play with the ball.

PLAY WITH BALL

You continue to play with the ball. It is now approaching evening.

The VICE PRESIDENT walks into your office. He is carrying an ENERGY POLICY.

EAT VICE PRESIDENT

He doesn’t look very tasty.

SURRENDER ALL AUTHORITY TO VICE PRESIDENT

You’ve already done that.

PLAY WITH BALL

You play with the ball. The VICE PRESIDENT puts the energy policy down on your desk and tells you to sign it.

LOOK AT ENERGY POLICY

The energy policy is very thick, and very intimidating. The first page says “Executive Summary for the President”. It is brightly colored. There are pictures of nuclear power plants in big green fields.

READ EXECUTIVE SUMMARY

There are no words in the executive summary. Just pictures.

LOOK AT PICTURES

There’s a picture of a man in a coalminer hardhat, blowing the top off a mountain. He is smiling. There is a picture of a powerplant spewing clouds of sulfurous gas. The power plant is smiling. There is a picture of mercury droplets floating away from the grasping hands of nasty liberals. The droplets are smiling. There is a picture of a man in a nice suit handing you a bag of money.

TAKE MONEY

You already took the money. That is why you must sign the energy policy.

SIGN ENERGY POLICY

You sign the energy policy. The VICE PRESIDENT leaves.

You have earned 700 points.

PLAY WITH BALL

You play with the ball.

The TREASURY SECRETARY comes into your office. He says that all signs point to a downturn in the economy, and that something should be done to prevent it.

CUT TAXES

You cut taxes. The surplus disappears, and a large deficit appears.

CUT TAXES

You cut taxes. The deficit rises to historic proportions. The TREASURY SECRETARY protests.

FIRE TREASURY SECRETARY. CUT TAXES.

You cut taxes. The deficit spirals out of control. The media are ganging up on you. Members of your staff are quitting and writing books about how incompetent you are. Your poll numbers are sinking.

PLAY WITH BALL

You play with the ball.