Real Men

I recently had a discussion with a friend of mine about the nature of manhood. Which is to say, my friend was telling me that I was a pansy, and I was reluctantly agreeing. The issue was whether or not I had enough balls to brave our dangerous, icy, post-snowstorm roads and come into work. I was not. He was. Hence: pansy.

This got me to thinking about the issue of what it means to be a man: “man” in the Teddy Roosevelt sense, an individual with a certain set of characteristics — bravery, steadfastness, insensitivity, bluster, bullheaded clarity of purpose — that separates him from all the Unmen. Unmen are like the Undead — creatures who have a passing resemblance to men, but are, deep down, something entirely different. Something terrible. Pansies.

It quickly became clear to me that it would be much easier to attain that quality of manhood if I knew a little bit more about what it meant to be a man, and what actions I would need to take in order to get there. To anticipate the Manhood Moments in my life, and come to them prepared.

And that’s what drove me to start Epidapheles Men and Manhood Incorporated. We at EMMI have set up the Epidapheles Men and Manhood Manhood Scale, a point system that will allow all men to determine where they stand vis-a-vis the question of their masculinity. Here are the categories, and their associated point thresholds:

Allow me to immediately stipulate that the “woman” category does not in any way refer to real females. It is merely shorthand for a man who has debased himself to such a degree that he is irredeemable, and should seek membership in some other, less demanding sex. Actual womanhood is a completely separate issue, one on which I am not qualified to comment.

Ok. A scale is all well and good. But how do you determine where you fit on that scale? Sure, most of us know instinctively if we’re Pansies, or Men, or Boys, but do we know the extent of our Pansiness? How close are we to Womanhood, really? How much do we have to improve before we can confidently call ourselves Pussies?

Thankfully, Epidapheles Men and Manhood Industries has the answer. For a very reasonable price, our Manhood Evaluation Team will come to your home and, after a thorough examination, tell you exactly where you fall on the Manhood Scale. And, should you find yourself to be somewhat lacking, our Manhood Consultants will, for an additional fee, devise a Manhood Improvement Plan tailored to your unique flaws. In just a few short weeks, we will help all you Pansies become Pussies, all you Pussies become Wusses, all you Wusses become Males. But don’t stop there! You too can be Boys, Men, Studs, and — yes — even Teddy Roosevelts. Dare to dream, you pantywaste losers. It is possible.

But wait. There’s more. We will also provide you with a Manhood Meter, a device that fits discreetly down your pants and constantly monitors your environment and your actions, counting, tallying, and evaluating your every move. At the end of the day, it’ll provide you with a complete report of your activities, and how they rate with respect to the EMM Scale.

Here’s a sample report: Informed Wife That You'll Be Home When Good and Ready: +200 Greeted Large Stranger with Limp And Pathetic Handshake: -400 Ordered Quiche at Lunch: -500 Made Sexist Comments in Front of Female Coworkers: +600 Later Apologized: -700 Ordered Thermonuclear Battery Acid Hot Hot Hot Chili at Dinner: +300 Whimpered Like a Girl After First Bite and Fled to Bathroom: -1000 Previous Manhood Score: 200 Current Manhood Score: -1300 You Are A: Pussy

Being unmale is a disease, and it can be treated. Are you man enough to call Epidapheles Men and Manhood Incorporated and request an initial consultation? There’s only one way to find out.