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Rip Van Winkle Surveys The State of Basketball

It’s Sunday. I’m sitting here in front of the Mavs / Spurs game. I haven’t watched basketball in a long time, I think because of the trauma of seeing the Stockton/Malone-era Jazz, a team I cared passionately about, lose championship after championship to Jordan and the damn Bulls (may the curse of the Flying Spaghetti Monster be everlastingly upon them). The memory burns still.

But I’ve started watching again, lately, and things have certainly changed. Not a lot, but noticeably. Here are my rip-van-winkle impressions:

1. Everyone’s huge now. Even the tiny point guards. Avery Johnson (who’s coaching the Mavs now — how cool) completely disappears when his players huddle around him.
2. Players are still doing this thing where they get someone up in the air, jump into them, and shoot. This invariably gets them a foul call. I have two problems with this: 1) Why the hell to the refs call that? It’s obvious what’s going on. 2) It’s kind of a shitty way to get points. I understand that it’s all about the final score, nobody remembers the details, etc, but that doesn’t explain the fist-pumping celebrations of the shooters who manage to pull this off, or the roar of the homecrowd when they do. The proper response to this kind of success is shame.
3. The announcers are still insanely hyperbolic when they’re talking about the big stars. Every made shot is a supreme act of grace and beauty by a titan of the sport. Every ball swatted down by some eight-footer with the winspan of a 747 is a dagger in the heart of the enemy and a triumphant proclamation that the swatter has arrived / perpetuated his supreme dominance / reasserted his defensive credentials for all time. Jesus. Settle down guys.
4. The sport has gotten prettier. It was kind of nasty and violent when I checked out, all kinds of pushing and grunting down in the paint, giant bruisers backing defenders down in the post then just turning around and dropping it in. Seems more wide open now.
5. More tattoos. A lot more tattoos.
6. I liked Charles Barkley as a player, but I love him as a commentator. The dude’s still hilarious, and still really smart.

Anyway. I didn’t know anything about basketball then, and I know less now. But it’s still kind of fun to watch.