The Dungeon of Hyperbole
I spent some time this evening watching iPad promotional videos, and came away seriously impressed with (a) Apple’s technical chops; (b) Apple’s design prowess; and (c) Apple’s hyperbole machine. That last in particular: nobody slings adjectives like Apple slings adjectives. Here’s a little sampling of some of the breathless modifiers one has to sit through to get a demo of this thing:
- Magical
- Stunning
- Unbelievable
- Incredible
- Phenomenal
- Unprecedented
- Extraordinary
- Gorgeous
- Amazing
And more. Much more.
I can’t imagine it’s easy to achieve this level of psychotic overstatement. They must have a small army of hyperbolizers working on it. I picture a roomful of enslaved linguists in the dungeons of 1 Infinite Loop, sitting in a dark windowless room, in two rows, chained to their desks. There’s an iPad suspended from the ceiling at the front of the room. A man stands beside the iPad, legs spread, arms akimbo, wearing jeans and a t-shirt, screaming at the assembled linguists, while an intern bangs steadily on a drum.
| Slavedriver: | Linguists! Hyperbole! |
| Linguists: | [All together] Awesome! |
| Slavedriver: | Hyperbole! |
| Linguists: | Amazing! |
| Slavedriver: | Hyperbole! |
| Linguists: | Gorgeous! |
| Lone Linguist: | Not bad! |
| Slavedriver: | [Stopping] Right, who said that? |
| Linguists: | [Uneasy silence] |
| Slavedriver: | Come on, one of you said ‘Not bad’. Who was it? |
| Linguists: | |
| Slavedriver: | I see. Well. [Holds up an original, circa 1998, Bondi Blue iMac mouse] How would you lot like to spend the rest of the week singing the praises of this little beauty, eh? |
| Linguists: | [Moans] |
| Slavedriver: | Ah, so you remember these, eh linguists? You remember how Lord Jobs came down here personally and forced you to squeeze out a whole booklet on the sublime perfection of these worthless fucking hockey pucks? Do you want to do that again? BECAUSE I CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN, LINGUISTS! |
| Linguists: | [Sobs] |
| Slavedriver: | Or not. It’s entirely up to you. |
| Linguists: | [Look at one another; point as one at a young man in the back of the room] |
| Slavedriver: | That’s more like it. You! You don’t like the new Apple iPad? |
| Lone Linguist: | No, no. I like it fine. |
| Slavedriver: | Fine? |
| Lone Linguist: | Yeah. It’s pretty good. |
| Slavedriver: | Pretty good? |
| Lone Linguist: | It’s not bad at all. [Silence] I mean, I’ve seen worse. [Silence] I mean, it’s better than than the Cube, right? |
| Linguists: | [Gasps] |
| Slavedriver: | Well well well. It seems we have an unbeliever in our midst. |
| Lone Linguist: | No! I believe. I totally believe. |
| Slavedriver: | You don’t sound like you believe. |
| Lone Linguist: | I do. I completely do. |
| Slavedriver: | How much do you believe? |
| Lone Linguist: | You know. [Pauses] A lot. More than … [Pauses] A lot. |
| Slavedriver: | Do you believe more vividly than Peter Pan believed in Tinkerbell? More ardently than Daniel believed in God? More desperately than an orphan child believes in the love of the mother he’s never known? |
| Lone Linguist: | Sure. I guess. I mean … [Pauses] Yeah. |
| Slavedriver: | What do you believe in? |
| Lone Linguist: | You know. [Gestures at the iPad] That thing. The … um … the giant iPod Touch over there. |
| Slavedriver: | [Coldly] The iPad. |
| Lone Linguist: | [Giggles] Right. iPad. |
| Slavedriver: | Ok, that’s enough. [Pulls a lever; a trapdoor opens up below the linguist and he falls into a pool of impeccably groomed piranha] Linguists! Hyperbole! |
| Linguists: | Divine! |
| Slavedriver: | Hyperbole! |
| Linguists: | Phenomenal! |
| Slavedriver: | Hyperbole! |
| Linguists: | Magical! |
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