The Man on the Street

We here at Doodleplex Command will occasionally venture out among the general populace to take the pulse of the nation, as it were; to talk to our fellow citizens, record their thoughts, hear their opinions, understand their feelings. Mostly, the general populace tries to avoid us, because we are unkempt and slightly annoying, but we are persistent in our quest for Truth.

As part of this quest, we are embarking on a series of man on the street interviews. Our first was conducted last night, in the alley between Doodleplex World Headquarters and the local Dairy Queen.

Doodleplex: Hello, sir. We’re here conducting man on the street interviews about the outcome of this last presidential election. What are your views on the mandate that president Bush’s claims to have gained through his recent victory?

Man on the Street: I’m not a man.

Doodleplex: Do you think a 3% margin really constitutes a mandate?

Man on the Street: I’m not a man. I’m a dumpster.

Doodleplex: The mainstream media seem to be going along with the administration’s story on this. Do you think this is yet another failure on their part?

Dumpster on the Street: Look, either throw something in me or go the fuck away.

Doodleplex: But, sir, I think it’s fair to say that the president is stretching the definition of the word “mandate” when he uses it to describe his victory. It’s a majority, certainly, but …

Spent Condom on the Street: Is this guy bothering you, Clarence?

Dumpster on the Street: He won’t shut up about this Bush guy.

Spent Condom on the Street: Why don’t you move along there, Mister. Nobody cares.

Doodleplex: Perhaps, but I think we all have to think seriously about the consequences of re-electing a man so clearly bent on the abrogation of all the rights and liberties and values we hold …

Rat Turd on the Street: What are you, a communist?

Doodleplex: No! Just because I happen to believe that it’s worth defending the principles laid down by our founding fathers in the …

Rat Turd on the Street: Yeah, you’re a gay french liberal communist. I can just tell. Say “croissant”.

Doodleplex: What?

Rat Turd on the Street: Just say it, froggy.

Doodleplex: Croissant.

Rat Turd on the Street: See? Listen to that shit. Crwa-SANT. Definitely a Frenchy. Why don’t you go surrender to someone, cheese boy?

Doodleplex: But …

Dumpster on the Street: Give it a rest, Pierre. No one cares.

Doodleplex: It’s that kind of attitude that allows our administration …

Doodleplex was unable to complete the interview, due to a sudden, wholly unprovoked attack by a rusty phalanx of discarded appliances. Tomorrow, we venture into the mean streets of the local mall to interview our nation’s disaffected youth. And also do a little shopping, because we need new socks.