The Republican Gospels
One of the most puzzling characteristics of our president, George W Bush, is his tendency to extol the virtues of the Christian ideals he claims to live by, while at the same time embracing a set of policies that are clearly antithetical to those ideals.
Take the personal bankruptcy bill that the Senate Republicans passed some time ago, for example. It significantly toughened the process of filing for bankruptcy, which guarantees that a lot more people who are stuck on the treadmill of endless credit card payments/fees will be stuck there forever. Bush supported the bill, which essentially means that he likes the idea of large amoral corporations inflicting usurious ruin upon thousands of helpless Americans.
What comes to mind, here, is the episode in Matthew where Jesus casts the moneychangers out of the temple. Jesus clearly didn’t think much of loan sharks. But Bush claims to be a big fan of Jesus, and Bush loves loan sharks. What gives?
I decided to go to the White House website for some answers, and found, tucked away in a dusty corner of the Faith and Family area, a section called The Republican Gospels. They appeared to be a new version of the New Testament, updated to correct what the authors called “translation errors caused by liberals.”
I flipped through them until I got to the section where Jesus visits the temple. To my surprise, it was rendered as a sort of dialog. Here’s the relevant excerpt:
Moneychanger 1: I’m sorry, sir. We made the terms very clear at the outset. 400 shekels at 45% interest, compounded daily, with a minimum payment due at the beginning of each month.
Hapless Commoner: But you said 15% when I took out the loan.
Moneychanger 1: Yes, but then you missed a payment, which, contractually, obliged me to increase your interest rate to 45%, and then charge you very, very large late fees.
Hapless Commoner: But my mule died the day before I was supposed to pay! And then the Romans burned down my house! And stole my wife!
Moneychanger 1: I’m sorry, but …
Hapless Commoner: And then a wild dog tore off my arm! And ate it! And then I was struck by lightning! Twice! In the head! I can barely even move!
Moneychanger 1: Listen, Mr …
Hapless Commoner: Job.
Moneychanger 1: Mr Job. The terms of the contract are very clear. Under no circumstances are you permitted to miss a payment. If you do so, I have no choice but to raise your interest rate, and charge you ridiculous, outlandish fees that will guarantee your perpetual impoverishment, and eventual ruin.
Hapless Commoner: I won’t pay.
Moneychanger 1: You will, though.
Hapless Commoner: I won’t. I can’t.
Moneychanger 1: [sighing] Well, then I suppose I should call the lion tamers.
Hapless Commoner: What?
Moneychanger 1: Phil? Do you have the lion tamers’ number?
Moneychanger 2: Yeah, I think so … hold on. [shuffles through moneybag] Ah, yes. Here it is. 555-1231.
Moneychanger 1: Thanks. [screaming] 555-1231!
Hapless Commoner: What are you doing?
Moneychanger 1: I’m calling the lion tamers. [screaming] 555-1231!
Hapless Commoner: Why?
Moneychanger 1: So they can come and pick you up.
Hapless Commoner: Why?
Moneychanger 1: So they can feed you to the lions. I get 600 shekels for commoners.
Hapless Commoner: But …
Moneychanger 1: Look, it’s clearly laid out in …
Moneychanger 2: [in a hoarse whisper] Bob!
Moneychanger 1: … the contract. You are to be rent limb from limb by lions in the event that you …
Moneychanger 2: Bob!
Moneychanger 1: [breaking off] What?
Moneychanger 2: Look who’s here.
Moneychanger 1: Damn it, Phil. I’m dealing with a customer here.
Moneychanger 2: It’s him.
Moneychanger 1: [looking over] Oh shit.
[Jesus enters the temple, looks around, then glides toward Moneychanger 1]
Jesus: Hello.
Moneychanger 1: Er … hi.
Jesus: Is there a problem here?
Moneychanger 1: No problem, sir. No problem at all. We’re just …
Hapless Commoner: He wants to feed me to the lions! Because I can’t pay his crazy late fees!
Jesus: [frowning] Is this true, my son?
Moneychanger 1: No sir.
Jesus: [staring]
Moneychanger 1: Well. Perhaps. It depends on what he means by “feed”.
Moneychanger 2: And “lions”.
Moneychanger 1: Yes. And “lions”.
Hapless Commoner: I mean cause me to be eaten by killer cats! With manes!
Moneychanger 1: Ah. Well, in that case … yes.
Jesus: That is … troubling, my son.
Moneychanger 1: But it was in the contract, Rabbi.
Jesus: [frowning] Show me this contract.
Moneychanger 1: Right away, sir. [disappears into his lending tabernacle, returns with a large wheelbarrow filled with stone tablets inscribed with very small text]
Jesus: Oh dear. That’s quite a lot of contract.
Moneychanger 1: Yes sir. We like to be thorough.
Jesus: Where is the section that deals with being eaten by lions?
Moneychanger 1: Ah. [digs down to the bottom of the pile, retrieves a small pebble inscribed in tiny runes] Right here, sir.
Jesus: Thank you. [squinting] This is very small. [squinting harder] And apparently written in an ancient Indo-European dialect that has been extinct for two thousand years. [squinting even harder] In some sort of code that’s based on the mad ravings of a long-dead Aramaic goatherd.
Moneychanger 1: Yes sir. All very clear and proper, sir.
Jesus: [nodding] Yes. Well, everything seems to be in order here.
Hapless Commoner: What?
Jesus: [hands the pebble back] Thank you for your time, Moneychanger.
Moneychanger 1: My pleasure, sir.
Hapless Commoner: But I’m going to be torn apart by lions!
Jesus: I’m sorry, my son, but the contract is very explicit. And it does give you the opportunity to file a complaint with the Roman government, if you have an issue with your treatment here.
Hapless Commoner: The Romans just burned down my house!
Jesus: Two complaints, then.
Hapless Commoner: And it costs 400 shekels to file a complaint!
Moneychanger 2: I could lend you the money for that. At a very reasonable rate.
Hapless Commoner: But …
Jesus: Well. Nice meeting you all. Good day.
It goes on from there. The Republican Gospels also contain a very interesting translation of the sermon on the mount, which answers a lot of questions about Bush’s position on peacemakers.
There’s a lesson to be learned here, for all you burgeoning morally bankrupt politicians: if you’re going to commit yourself to following in the footsteps of Jesus, make sure you pick the the right Jesus.
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