Glass Maze Every jumbled pile of person

The Vogue-Caterwaul Personality Test

Everyone at work took a Myers-Briggs personality test last month. The idea was that the tests would help us understand each other, so that we’d all get along better and group-hug more.

Because there’s a definite lack of group hugging at my office. Also individual hugging. In fact, hugging is pretty much out, by order of HR. So really what the personality tests do is alert us to potential group hugs that will always go unrequited, because random hugging isn’t compatible with job retention.

I’m sure that sounds kind of frustrating to the layman. Really, it isn’t. The mere possibility of a hug, the ability to see the emotional hole where a hug should be, is enough to bring joy into a workplace. A weak sort of threadbare yearning joy, sure. But joy nonetheless.

None of this really applies to me, anyway. I didn’t take the test, so I’m not sure what I am. But here are the things I could be, according to Myers-Briggs:

• Introverted/Extroverted
• Sensing/Intuition
• Thinking/Feeling
• Judging/Perceiving

These are dichotomies. So I could be, say, an ISTF (an Introverted Sensing Thinking Judger) or an ESFP (an Extroverted Sensing Feeling Perceiver). But I cannot be an ISITFJ — because you can’t think and feel at the same time, obviously, nor can you simultaneously sense and intuit. You also can’t rearrange the letters. So, if I were an ISTF, I couldn’t go around saying I’m a FIST — sort of stomping around and roaring LOOK AT ME I’M A FIST GOD DAMN IT and pounding on walls and cars and stuff — because, first of all, that’s not what a sensing thinking introvert would do, and, second, the Myers Briggs people are joyless pedants who would sue me if I tried to improvise with their precious system.

But really, the system is silly. Honestly: what’s with all the dichotomies? Who the hell thinks OR feels? I don’t think I’ve ever had a thought that wasn’t tinged with some sort of emotion. And sense robbed of intuition is just as hollow as intuition robbed of sense. Bah.

I could go on. But I won’t, because it’s all very frustrating. Instead, I will invent my own personality test. I will call it the Vogue-Caterwaul Personality Test.

Here are the categories:

• Snorting/Guffawing/Chortling
• Singing/Caterwauling/Ululating/Gargling
• Liking/Loving/Lusting/Adoring
• Farting/Belching/Sneezing/Wheezing
• Waltzing/Vogueing/Flailing/Electric-Sliding
• Sipping/Gulping/Slurping/Sputtering
• Hating/Loathing/Despising

You’ll notice a couple of things about my system right off the bat. First, it’s awesome. Second, it’s got a lot more options. There are seven different categories, and they don’t limit themselves to piddling little dichotomies — we’re all about multichotomies here. And you can choose more than one of each multichotomy, if you want to. We won’t stop you.

So you want to be a Belching Shorting Vogueing Hating Despiser? Fine with me. Or maybe a Gulping Flailing Adoring Ululating Loather? Cool. A Wheezing Caterwauling Electric-Sliding Adorer? Whatever. A Farting Farter? Sure! I mean, you’re limiting yourself somewhat in that case, but if flatulence is what floats (or propels) your boat, that’s hunky dory as far as I’m concerned.

It’s all about grey areas. It’s about no boundaries. It’s about coloring outside the lines.

Because the caged bird isn’t singing. It’s screaming. It just happens to scream real pretty.

Don’t scream pretty, people. Vogue! Caterwaul! Despise! Adore!

I took the Myers Briggs test at a managers off-site workshop about nine or ten years ago and it made a huge and immediate impact … NOT!!!!

It was an entertaining exercise in that it helped point out that everyone is different (DUH!)and it’s supposed to give you the understanding that every personality type has something good to offer. There is no “best” personality type, only different. So, they split the twenty or so people into two groups based on some arcane grouping of the sixteen possible combinations of personality type. Then, they gave us a description of a problem and directed us to come up with a solution. After about fifteen or twenty minutes, one group had a solution in mind, complete with presentation charts. The other group (mine) was still debating the meaning of the original instructions. So, what did we learn? Based on discussion I had with participants, I’d say the group with the charts learned that some personality types were worthless if you wanted to get something done. And my group learned that some personality types are worthless if you want to create a solution that actually answers a need or adequately solves a problem. So much for knowledge leading to a more enlightened understanding of how to work with different peronalities.

If anyone is interested, my type is INTP. I took particular pride in the knowledge that it was one of the rarer personality types. (Every time we segregate ourselved into groups, isn’t the first reaction that our group is somehow better than the others?) I think the type definition was Waltzing-Slurping-Ululating-Lusting or something equally useful.

Yeah, that’s pretty much exactly what we did at our off-site. I was at Clarion when I should have been taking the Myers-Briggs test though, so I was (pointedly) excluded: “No, YOU did not take the test, so you will NOT be participating” (our HR dude has this sonorous Shakespearean voice, loud and ludicrously enunciated — everything he says sounds like a soliloquy; I keep looking around for a skull for him to address). Everybody seemed to have a blast with it, but — as you say — I’m not sure how much knowledge was gained.

We did this at one company I worked for. It was entirely voluntary. People used them like horoscopes: “I’m a Capricorn and an ISTP…you?”

I don’t know what I am. I took the test three times and got three different answers, none of which I now remember.

I love personality tests, and I’ve taken plenty of them. The Myers-Briggs is the one I like the least. The trouble I find with it is that all those letters sound alike, so no one can remember what ‘type’ they are. At least with zodiac you have an animal or a constellation to remind you.

I actively dislike the idea of using personality tests at work. People come up with all kinds of assumptions based on how you took the test. Not everyone answers the tests honestly though, and some people end up more in the middle of the spectrum.

Malcolm Gladwell (one of my favorite authors) has some interesting things to say on the subject. I kind of like his own simple personality test too. Here’s a link to the archived article.

http://www.gladwell.com/2004/2004_09_20_a_personality.html

Kater

There’s an article up on the Intergalactic Medicine Show with the theory that most science fiction readers and writers are NTs.

Why Do We Read Science Fiction? Does personality influence reading choice? by Carol Pinchefsky

I’ve never taken an ‘official’ test, but I have taken several online versions. I usually come up INTP, but sometimes INTJ. I rather like INTJ, because that’s “Mastermind”. That’s me. Need to get myself a white cat to perch on my lap while I plot.

Found your blog through a friend who attended Clarion, and while I’ve never taken any sort of personality test other than some silly career aptitude type thing back in 10th grade, I laughed out loud at your new-and-improved system… Thanks!

Hello. And Bye.

dude you know what I’m talking about! soy desole